Crack Caffeine & Bum Cracks

As I mentioned before, summer is fast approaching. In fact, it is already there, which is amazing considering that the Sun is the biggest lunatic since the Moon.

In order to fit in my trikini (I need an extra patch of material for my face), I am trying desperately to cut down on the little things that make my life more livable day after day but also contribute to make my ass more lovable day after day ('lovable' being used as the politically correct word for 'fucking enormous').

Unfortunately, I have this daily habit of dropping pounds to my local coffee dealer and gaining them back on my gluteus.

The culprit is not simply coffee, but its glamourously calorific version of Cafe Latte. Because who orders a simple 'coffee' nowadays? Do you really go into Starbuck$ to order a simple 'coffee'? No, because if you did, you 'd get the nastiest, nostrils-shut-nose-in-the-air look from the staff, who would look down on you like you'd just ordered some shit in a cup. Which, in some cases, is probably what happens anyway.

Since trying to quit, I have been subjected to nasty headaches, earaches, hallucinations(unless Johnny Depp did deliver my post yesterday) and have been doing lots of ridiculous mistakes such as emailing a whole department a 'screenshit' of what they should follow.I also feel like a Duracell bunny without its battery and without the sporty shorts.

How is this a legal substance but not weed? When I smoke weed, I dont get half these symptoms and even after long breaks, I never suffer from withdrawal symptoms. Je suis confused.

But maybe it is good because Mr Advertising says that caffeine is good for getting rid of this visual horror known as cellulite? So even if is not good to drink, it is good to lather on the stuff in the skin?

I have seen so many adverts recently that promote ZE Cellulite Terminator with added caffeine and God knows what other chemically named placebos. All of them showing a woman that has come out straight from a spotty horny teen's brain e.g : as smooth as a ping pong ball.
None of them with a bum crack with directions imprinted outwards (that is stretchmarks for you guys) nor a skin like a wrinkly orange.

All I know right now, is that I am too tired to crack the mystery of my cellulite and so I am heading for a coffee...