Read My Face Like A Book? Try My Ass.

I never really wanted to have my face permanently stuck on the internet. No, really.
I wouldn't really care about having my google-map-style-derrière , my dyslexic boobs or even my personal lady bonzai online. These are only the parts to the machinery. Not the engine.

In fact, even though the stretchmarks on my ass are like a map to the Holy Grail (e.g very intricate and in need of Tom Hanks to decypher them), I feel confident that should it end up on the net, no fool would want to attempt to crack the mystery of my bum.

So as long as noone is able to link the baboon ass to the monkey I feel safe.

But you see, we are now plagued with this social tool for nerdy mythomaniacs called Facebook. Facebook, where it is possible to not only expose your total lack of life by constantly updating your status ("Emma is having a shit" - and is wiping her arse with the keyboard?) but also expose your totally exciting life ("Emma is soooooo pisssssssssssssssssed!" - and is not telling you about her vomit covered hair and bum breath?) which really is what everyone else considers routine.

I have joined Facebook. My excuse is that I cannot be arsed to send emails most of the time and a visual reminder of the people that are socially linked to me helps me remember to be sociable - eg ask how people are but not being arsed to follow up and repeat in 6 months.

The female species' behaviour on Facebook never cease to amaze me. Like in the real life they are bitchy and try to outdo their bitches. They try to come out with the most hilarious status for 3 hours, then realise it is not that funny because no one commented on it and delete it to come out with something that will bring out the comments -eg the man-bait-comment :

" Emma is dancing around in her pink panties with a peep hole on the front and is flashing her titties to her neighbours"

Never mind that work colleagues, family, or just normal friends are viewing the slutty virtual update.

HornyTom liked it and stuck a thumb up to show his appreciation /erection.

Sometimes I think that the thumb should be replaced by a dick. It is more appropriate, non? Hard on : exciting stuff , floppy dick : try harder. Haha.


Anyway, everyone knows that Emma is probably watching a repeat of Melrose Place whilst stuffing her face with a Mars bars and refreshing her Facebook screen to check how many dicks she tickled.

Oh well, it does not matter because it is only virtual stuff....But still, I am off to refresh my own page because I am that vain that I want to make people stiffen up from distance.