This afternoon, I received a link to a Facebook quiz
which is able to tell you which Disney Princess you are, based on a series of amusing questions with terribly predictable answers ("If you are out clubbing and that you are plastered, do you a) flash your lady garden to unsuspecting little people b) lose your stripper stiletto c) end up swipping the floor on your ass with your sister's dress d) skinny dip in the toilet cubicle head first).
I got Princess Rohypnol.
Bah. Sleeping Beauty...it is true that I am a lazy bitch.
Anyway, I never really bothered with the Disney business model that we get brainwashed with since nursery school : one dumb chick needing rescuing / one chippendale in shining armour / 5 brats in tow.
From the age of 8 onwards, I have always hated going to weddings and assisting to the exhibitionist circus that is associated to it. If I want to see two morons being legally tied in farcical outfits, I'd rather go watch an Amsterdam show.
Usually, the whole thing gives me major mouth cramps because I have to fake smile so much. I even bring my own onions with me to join the symphony of *emotional* tears. And also to chuck them in the sorry eyes of the dirty old uncle who oggles my chest area whilst I and the other bridesmaids form a bee line for the Meringue.
Now, I have so far managed to dodge the :"when is it your turn?" death sentence question by answering that " I'd rather drink bleach and regurgitate it afterwards" or that "I am not of the domesticated kind, if I want a leash I'll join my local S&M club". And this worked until I turned 25. Because before 25, you aren't supposed to be able to make your own mind up, you are an immature idiot with obviously no idea of how the real life works, yak yak yak, *pitiful stares*, *bewildered stares 'you poor soul, I will pray for you when you reach 30 and not got a ring on your finger'*,...Amen.
But since I am approaching my alleged expiry date, it seems that it is no time to joke anymore (well for me it is). Because once a woman hits their thirties, they are not viable for consumption anymore and lose all what made them human beings a few month ago. The lack of ring on a female makes them miserable (see, men can get away with cock rings), and implicates no social life whatsoever (yep if she cant even find a man she must scare the shit out of the rest of the world) and full of bitterness (yep crying every night over my broken dildo) .
You dont want to be one of *them* do you? (question usually asked by a fat divorced auntie with a collection of romance novels on one side and a bowl of sickly sweets on the other)
Nah, you are right aunty. I dont want to be one of them. I wanna be one of those funky lesbians that get married in massive fiestas! Bet you'd like that huh?
Ring My Belle Or The Tale of The PMT Armageddon
Monday, 20 July 2009
Posted by Mademoiselle de Paris at 14:11
Labels: Madame + Monsieur
5 comments:
Wonderful writing! Absolutely hilarious! Weddings are so farcical. Why do women want to get married? It's a phenomenon that never ceases to baffle me.
Tell me about it. When I was 16, it was all about "stay in school, get all your qualifications, get a brilliant job!" Then, as soon as I hit 25, it was "why aren't you married yet? Why don't you have kids yet?"
Cool post you have here. I enjoyed reading it. You made me giggle. Thanks for sharing and good luck on everything. By the way, I found a fantastic Paris adventure that might interest you too. Thanks and have a wonderful day!
ah sad but true. I went the other way, got married young and was celebrated.. divorced him and now the family looks at me as if I have the plague... I like to tell them that I am a massachistic lesbian just to shake things up at weddings now
Ha, I feel the same about weddings.
I also felt much the same about relationships until about a year ago when I met my current partner. No plans to marry EVER, however. I'm sure once I turn 25 and am still living with him, unwed, people will start questioning our committment to each other.
I had one female friend who told me she knew she wanted to marry her husband two months into their relationship and then looked at me expectantly for the same response.
As a female not keen on getting married, I definitely feel like society thinks I'm insane or something.
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